A theme is emerging in this blog that I am excited about. It is becoming a platform for the sharing of stories that we can all be inspired by, relate to, or just simply enjoy the connection between our human experiences. I have written before about the power of Vulnerability and how sharing your story helps many others; I’m into that! I like where this is going.
In my job as a Mental Skills Coach I come across so many people whose stories fascinate me. I see the struggle against past conditioning, the hope of constructing a better future and the determination of the human spirit. I coached Lisi and discovered pretty quickly that she was driven, fiercely independent and incredibly generous. I also found out she has a pretty amazing story to tell……
Empty and exhausted I slumped into a heap on the mattress on the floor of the wardrobe sized room I had recently occupied. This empty room was my new home for the next 6 weeks while I figured out my next move. I had just made a hasty and unplanned escape from what had become my life – a world of conflict created by my association with a fairly exclusive Christian group. Some people used to call it ‘the cult’ but to use that word is too strong. (It had been investigated by the police who said it was not so.) Let’s just say it was a group of well intentioned but misled people with an unbalanced view of life. A group well practised in powerful methods of persuasion, who held very strong sway over its kin and was disconnected from the outside world. It was now the week before my mid-year exams (I was in the 3rd year of my 4 year physio degree).
I was 20 years old, semi-homeless, sick with glandular fever and had had little to eat and hardly any sleep during the preceding fortnight. I was lonely and confused, but for the first time in a long time I wasn’t afraid. I felt free and I knew the possibilities of where I could go were endless. I had hope. I slept for 2 days and by some miracle I emerged from that deep slumber and passed those exams.
I want to say at this point that I had a very happy childhood. I had a loving family with intuitive, devoted and supportive parents. Our extended family and church community were a close-knit group. We were never well off financially but I wanted for nothing. I could boast achievements in academia, sport and music and was afforded many opportunities by the generosity of my family and the wonderful people within our community. They were good people. But something wasn’t quite right.
It has taken me 14 years to really understand what went wrong for me. On the surface everything would appear just right. A happy, connected and fulfilled group of people who marched through life’s ups and downs together. Arm in arm with a swing in their step, a song on their lips and a smile on their face; brimming with love and acceptance for all. You had to be in it to really understand but if you weren’t in it you should want to be. ‘Separate yourselves from all else’, the message went. Devote yourself to nothing else because this is all you need and all you should want to need. Question nothing but your worthiness to be loved, because none of us were worthy. You are loved, but you are not worthy to be loved. It was a subtly, dangerous, contradictory message I learned as a child; an immature mind only capable to take it at face value. From being a happy and confident child I slowly learned to hate myself and trust no one.
This mechanism of control is a very powerful one. Being ground down by feelings of unworthiness while being disconnected from anything else, over time you begin to feel powerless and trapped. I don’t remember being told how important it was to love myself. I was indoctrinated into believing that there was nothing good in me and my mind was preoccupied with seeking out my faults. I think on some level I knew that I wasn’t happy in this environment, but somehow feeling condemned and fearful was made to feel normal. I did many things to relieve the burden of this feeling. I became a fierce competitor and a perfectionist, constantly trying to prove worth to myself and to others by the quality of what I could achieve. I tried to change my body image. I fervently devoted myself to doing things for others in the hope that I might feel like a good person and they might think the same of me. I craved acceptance and love but more often I was overwhelmed by feelings of condemnation and fear. I wasn’t happy but I didn’t know anything else. I was free to leave at any time but to break away was paramount to death, to be lost. And if you did leave the flock, you knew that you would lose all contact with the people there – for those of us born into this community that meant every meaningful connection we had ever had in our lives. For me it was my extended family, all my childhood friends, my uni friends, my touch footy team mates, my employer. I had never invested much in relationships outside of this because I simply didn’t need to and didn’t think I was meant to.
When I was 18 my parents chose to leave this church. They joined the ranks of the outcast, the lost, the ‘cut off’. They were labelled as worse than the unbelievers. They took my younger siblings with them and because I was of adult age I was left to make my own choice. I stayed. I desperately wanted to hold on because I didn’t want to be ‘lost’. I didn’t want to lose the connections I had. My staying created much conflict within myself and my home. I tried to ignore any suggestion that there was another way. For the next year and a half a battle raged within me and around me. In or out? Family or church? What was right for me? Who really had my best interests at heart? Who should I trust? Like a caged animal I was constantly on edge; I was so conflicted. I didn’t know who to believe or what to believe in.
And then I snapped – I can’t even remember exactly what it was that pushed me over the edge – but I did snap. It was a split second decision which saw me throw some clothes in the back of my car and drive away without any intention of returning; set on starting life with a completely clean slate. I couldn’t choose between the two sides and in the end I think I chose me.
My journey to restoration has been long and colourful. Having broken all ties with everything I felt connected with, I questioned my decision many times – it was hard to reconcile what I had done with the thought that it was a good thing to do. I struggled with developing and maintaining relationships with people for a long time, but there was one thing I easily fell into stride with which helped me to survive. I joined an Ultimate Frisbee team.
There was something special about this sport that made me want to come back for more. The sense of camaraderie within the community of players, the sportsmanship and focus on spirit of the game, it was uncomplicated. The more I played, the more I realised this was something I could actually be really good at. For the first time I was enjoying striving for something and it made me want to physically look after myself so I could keep getting better. There was suddenly something that I liked about myself and felt good about doing. Something I could channel my tenacity and stoicism into. It helped fill the void. It was a start.
From here several significant things happened –
I met a very special friend who, when we first met, blew me away with her generosity of spirit and genuine care. She told me I was good company and I believed her. I will never forget that.
I reconciled with my parents and siblings.
I met my husband, whose unconditional love taught me that I didn’t need to spend my life trying to compete and prove my worth. That it didn’t matter what I did, I just needed to be me. He also showed me that grace and humility is a more powerful way to connect with people than trying to control them or needing to prove a point. And that it is ok to be wrong and have faults.
My first child, who taught me how strong I am, how patient I can be, how much love I have to give and how much joy there is in life if you look at it the right way. Who taught me to stop and enjoy each day and live in the moment, who taught me that when the going gets tough I will always have something more to help me get through it.
A coach who taught me the most powerful lesson of all – that I can choose. I can choose how I feel about all of it. I can choose to acknowledge my mistakes, learn and grow from them and move on. I can choose to trust. I can choose to let myself be loved. I can choose to feel worthy. I can choose to see the good, the positive, the best of everyone and every situation. I can choose to enjoy what I have, who I am and how I live. I can choose to be happy……… and that a cup of tea will soothe the soul.
There have been times I have told myself I couldn’t go on and for a long time I battled with a sense that I had failed at my old life and that this new life was just a consolation prize. But my life today is one that I couldn’t be more proud of or happy with. I have wonderful relationships with my family and friends, a rewarding job, a successful sporting career, two happy and healthy children and a sense that I know who I am and what I can give to the world. I know how to be happy and I know how to connect with others.
I still see myself as a spiritual person and live according to basic christian values, but my mind is open. I believe that there is a richness in the world and a depth to humanity that can only be accessed when you embrace each other’s belief systems and cultures, whether based in organised religion, discovery of science or one’s own personal reflection.
I am grateful for the journey I had been on – the heartaches, the disappointments and the losses as well as the revelations, the joys, and the connections. It makes me who I am. It makes me a better athlete, a supportive, understanding and empathetic mother, friend, colleague.
Everything I have experienced has made me who I am today and the thing that excites me is that it is an ongoing journey. Life is an experience of evolution.
My journey is not complete.
Anna Rogacki 